This term, we shall look at Mindful Communication and Love Languages. Before we jump right into these, let’s look at communication in general. What is communication? Communication allows one to express and exchange their thoughts, ideas, and emotions with another. There are verbal and nonverbal modes of communication.
A statistic done by Dr Albert Mehrabian, a researcher of body language, who was also the first to break down the components of a face-to-face conversation, found that communication is 55% nonverbal, 38% vocal, and 7% words1. This clearly illustrates the impact non-verbal communication has in a conversation. Even when your intentions and words may be right, there is a possibility that your child may have challenges being receptive to the message if the body cues aren’t in line.
Furthermore, as every child is different, their love language can also be different. Finding out what’s the best way you can connect with your child is essential. The ways we would like to be appreciated and loved would vary from person to person, even for adults. Between you and your spouse/partner, there could be differences in the way you and they would like to be loved and appreciated.
Given our busy schedules, paying attention to these details gets pushed aside at times. However, finding out your love language and your child’s love language helps a lot in building a healthy parent-child relationship – it is about connection for the child. A parent’s response may both positively and negatively impact the parent-child relationship.
According to Dr Chapman, the founder of Love Languages2, there are five kinds of love languages.
❤️ Acts of Service:
Actions speak louder than words. 
Children whose primary love language is ‘acts of service’ will appreciate others doing tasks for them such as fixing up their bicycle, building a model car, making a meal, or picking them up from school. When parents participate in activities that their child enjoys, this will help to convey a loving message to their child.
❤️ Words of Affirmation:
This language uses words to affirm other people. 
Children whose primary love language is 'words of affirmation' will appreciate compliments and positive comments that will make them feel good. Boost their spirits by dropping them a text message saying, "All the best" before a test or competition. Negative feedback and criticism, on the other hand, will have a significant impact. Parents need to be positive and loving when correcting their children.
❤️ Physical Touch
To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate physical touch. 
Children whose primary love language is ‘physical touch’ will appreciate hugs, or just sitting close, watching a movie, or playing a game or sport. Physical touch is crucial for bonding and expressing love. You can demonstrate your love for your child by hugging, stroking, or placing your arms around their shoulders.
❤️ Quality Time
This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention. 
Children whose primary love language is 'quality time', would appreciate it when you give them your undivided attention and spend meaningful time together. When your child sees that you make an effort to prioritize them by spending time with them, regardless of the activity, they feel loved by you. You can engage in activities together, spend regular one-on-ones, have a conversation or a meal, and just be present and attentive to each other.
❤️ Receiving Gifts
For some people, receiving a heartfelt gift is what makes them feel most loved. 
Children whose primary love language is ‘receiving gifts’ will appreciate receiving thoughtful and personal gifts. Gift-giving is a visual representation of expressing love and thoughtfulness through tangible items. For parents and children, this could involve giving meaningful gifts on special occasions, surprises, and tokens of affection to show appreciation and care. Parents can create good loving experiences by remembering the child’s love language with occasional and personal gifts.
With an understanding of the five love languages, now let’s look at how we can engage in Mindful Communication. Mindful Communication entails being fully present and attentive in your interactions with your child/teen, with a focus on empathy, understanding and clarity. By practicing mindful communication, you can cultivate deeper connections and resolve conflicts more effectively with your child.
1. Cultivating Awareness
Before engaging in conversation with your child, take a moment to check in on yourself, how are you feeling right now? Pausing and noticing ourselves helps us to examine our emotional capacity. Emotions can influence the way one engages with others. When you are tired, your engagement level can reduce compared to when you are well rested.
Taking a pause allows you to better engage with your child. It also creates space for you to read your child’s body cues too. Parents could slow down the process by deep breathing which would allow parents to take notice of what's happening before engaging with their children.
Why is this important? It creates an opportunity for you to engage with your child with openness and calmness. This also reduces quick reactions from you and encourages better communication.
2. Respectful Attention
The quality of respectful attention refers to the act of paying careful and considerate attention to your child. As a parent, you must focus your full attention on your child, acknowledging their presence, their thoughts, and their feelings with empathy. Making eye contact, nodding to show understanding, not interrupting them, and considering what your child says are all keys to making them feel heard. Taking note of nonverbal cues and signals - such as body language and tone of voice - will also allow you to understand the deeper meaning of their words.
Consider avoiding things like being on your mobile phone, watching TV, not responding, or engaging with other things while your child is talking to you. The effort it takes for your children to express their concerns to you can sometimes be great, so when such an opportunity arises, make the most of it and get to know them better.
Respectful attention builds trust, rapport, and a positive relationship between you and your child, by validating their experiences and viewpoints. Creating a sense of inclusion, empathy, and understanding between you and your child makes interactions more meaningful. It will also encourage your child to want to interact more with you.
3. Appropriate Validation
As parents, you may have seen many ups and downs in life. Sometimes when your child brings their troubled self to discuss something, you may be tempted to try and cheer them up right away, even to offer solutions, but they may misinterpret your actions as dismissive.
Be curious and ask questions, this will provide you with a better understanding of what's going on for them, as well as validate their emotions and concerns. Support and understanding are more important to your child than solutions. Your child needs you to listen to him or her. Taking the time to listen to your child will allow and encourage them to express their concerns and feelings freely. This space offers you an opportunity to understand your child's inner world. Occasionally, you may hear them share a lot more than usual.
Your child will be more open to your advice and suggestions when they see you have taken the time and effort to listen to their concerns and emotions. Continuing to do so will lead to a healthier parent-child relationship.
We hope you find the suggestions in this article helpful. Feel free to visit https://5lovelanguages.com/learn to find out more on your love languages.
If you require further support or would like to talk to one of us, please feel free to contact any of the counsellors at RGC via email: [email protected].
Warmest regards,
The RGC team
References:
1. Quinn, J., & Quinn, J. (2023, May 15). How much of communication is nonverbal? | UT Permian Basin Online. The University of Texas Permian Basin | UTPB. https://online.utpb.edu/about-us/articles/communication/how-much-of-communication-is-nonverbal/
2. What are The 5 Love Languages? (n.d.-b). Northfield Publishing. https://5lovelanguages.com/learn